How to Succeed in Mothering Without Really Trying

Battle of the….you know… | September 26, 2009

So if “real women” have curves, what kind of woman has rolls?  I’m just wondering.  I embarked this week on a journey I’ve traveled many times before.  Weight loss.  And let me tell you what, it sucks.  I’ve never been a skinny girl.  Ever.  It’s hard to go to the beach with your girlfriends and be the only one wearing shorts over her bathing suit because of your ghetto booty and cottage cheese thighs.  It’s hard going shopping for cute clothes when your not a size 8….or even 10.  But you girls know that already.  And you skinny girls might say, “so just stop eating so much, Fatty”.  And you’re right.  There is no one to blame for my condition but me.  I can’t help it.  I love to eat.  indiscriminately.  I eat pretty much everything.  Well, except for peas, they look like perfect little round boogers.  My weakness, my kryptonite, is junk food.  It’s what I was raised on.  Bring on the Hostess Cupcakes, Lay’s Potato Chips (with dip!), ice cream, candy bars – all of it.  I want it all!  I wasn’t skinny when I started college, but I wasn’t large either…..yet.  The weight slowly crept up through 4 years of beer-pounding in college.  Then, a little more once I was married and felt a little more comfortable in “letting myself go” a bit.  The final nail in the coffin was having 3 babies and a miscarriage.  I only mention the miscarriage because my body was really out of sorts for quite a while after that.  And I ate – ALOT following it, just because I didn’t know what to do with myself.

So 2 years ago, following the birth of The Baby, I found myself bigger and more disgusted than I’d ever been.  I saw a picture of myself from the church directory and didn’t know who that person was.  I had NO filter whatsoever.  If I saw something I wanted, I ate it.  We hit McDonald’s regularly because I was too lazy to cook.  I’d run to the grocery store JUST to buy junk snacks.  It was bad.  When the size 16’s started getting tight I had enough.  I refused to go up yet ANOTHER size.  So, my sister-in-law and I decided to try Weight Watchers.  I had been for about 6 months before I got married and it really did work.  I lost about 20 pounds.  Plus, any doctor you talk to will tell you it’s the best way to do it.  So, we went.  I have to admit I had a little help.  I was still nursing The Baby and got an extra 10 points a day!  That was HUGE!  I very often had several points left over after dinner for a “special treat”.  It was awesome.  AND I lost 40 pounds.  Yes folks, you heard me.  I lost 40 pounds.  My husband couldn’t keep his hands off me.  Everyone from family to friends was telling me how awesome I looked.  CLOTHES FIT ME!  I was on a high.  Totally.  Life was great!

“So what happened next, Tara?” you may ask.  Hell if I know.   Your guess is as good as mine.  I got bored?  Tired of counting points?  Tired of worrying how many points that ho-ho was?  I was weaning the baby and historically, my hormones get a little wonky when it comes to nursing.  I go a little NUTSO when my milk comes in and got a lot NUTSO as I’m weaning.  So, there was that going on.  I stopped going to WW.  I stopped paying for WW.  I stopped WW altogether.  I tricked myself into thinking that I had in fact made a lifestyle change and would NEVER go back to my old self.  I tricked myself into thinking I had will power.  Now – a year and a half later – 23 pounds heavier, I know I do not have willpower.  How can that be?  I can stare my strong-willed daughter down for hours and not flinch.  How come I can’t so no to an Oreo ?  How ridiculous is that?  My husband asks me all the time what went wrong.  I just don’t know.

SO – this past Thursday, I dragged my fat, shamed self back to WW.  Hooray for me – they still had my last weight logged in their system.  So , in the little spot on the sticker where it says how many pounds plus or minus you are, it said +23.  Ouch.  I guess I should be glad I went back before I put the whole 40 back on and more.  It’s just depressing to think that I’m going to have to go to meetings….and count points…..for the rest of my life.  Perhaps my real beef is with the big man upstairs.  Why did he make some girls with the capability to eat whatever they want and not gain a pound?  Why did he make me with the capability of gaining 5 pounds when I just drive past a Burger King?  I guess that is my cross to bear.  That and my lazy husband.  And my strong-willed daughter.  And my nagging mother.  And my…..well, we could be here a while.

Well, wish me luck WWW.  My first weigh in will be next Thursday.  I did OK yesterday.  I ate good in the morning and afternoon.  I even went on a walk!  GASP!  But we had dinner plans with friends and may have eaten a little much.  Let’s just say those 35 bank points may have been used in one foul shot.  But it’s OK.  I’m going to recover today.  Walk again.  IGNORE the 3 gallons of ice cream in my fridge.

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